I had never considered this before adopting

I thought alot about what it would be like to be a mother of two children before we even started the adoption process. Growing from a family of three to four seemed like a no-brainer, the natural thing to do.

I'm going to take you back a minute now, before I get to the point of this post.

Lil Bug was only 7 or 8 months old when we attended our very first adoption information meeting. When she was that age, she was very much like every other child that age. She could sit up by herself. She was cooing and making adorable baby noises. To look at her, she looked like every other baby. Unless I told someone, they never knew she had a significant birth defect.

At that time, I knew what having a baby was like and I was sure it would be easy enough to have two. I never really thought about the future much though. I mean, I dreamed of our future as a family together doing the big stuff, school, vacations, etc., but I never thought about the day-to-day activities that make up life.

It wasn't until Bug got to the walking age that it became visually apparent that she was different from other children her age. Different from what society expected a child of her age to be. As my friends kids all began to walk (there were several of us who had children around the same time) the realization fell on me that physically, she was going to be a little bit more work than my friends' children would be. While their toddlers were off toddling around, Grace had to be carried or placed in a stroller. I never wanted Lil Bug to miss out on any healthy, "normal" childhood activity, however, so if we were in a play setting where all the other children were toddling around, I would bend over, holding her tiny little hands and support her in exploring this vast world. I would spend hours a day bending over her, holding her hands and it was about then that I started having back problems. The pain was so bad at times that I even gave in and made an appointment with the dr. to figure out if there was relief. He was sad to inform me that this is a common complaint from parents of physically handicapped children and that it doesn't really get better as they get older...at least not for a LONG while.

As Lil Bug grew and began to use her walker, that helped me some. She was more independent, which meant a little less carrying her around. However, there was a learning curve and she is unable to use her walker outdoors during the snowy months. The icy sidewalks are her demise.

Now to the point of this post...I had never considered that physically my body might not be able to handle a second child very easily. I knew I could love a second child. I knew we could provide for a second child. I knew that I wanted a second child. I just didn't know that I might be brought to the brink of what my physical body could handle with a second child.

Lil Bug is about 33 pounds. That is not huge, but I'm not huge and I need to carry her often. You should see me when we go to MOPS, for example. I park in the handicap parking, but that is still a fairly lengthy distance from the building. I then load up my right arm with a diaper bag for each of the girls, my planner and my binder. I then carry Lil Bug in that same arm. I walk around to the other side of the car and pick up Lil Princess in her carseat carrier with my left arm. By now I am managing about 55-60 pounds of stuff (darn near 1/2 my weight!) and then, the topper...I have to bend down and pick up Lil Bugs walker, which I had strategically balanced against the tire of the first side of the car. I haul all of this about 60 feet, somehow manage to get the door open and once inside, nearing exhaustion, I try to drop all the things not likely to break (such as my children!) and regroup.

That scenario is not uncommon. It looks like that when we go to the bank, the grocery store (unless I can find a dry, nearby cart), the children's museum (which doesn't have handicap parking!), the zoo, and basically any errands we chose to tackle.

It has been suggested to me that I just do those activities and errands once The Designer gets home from work or on the weekends. Great plan, but here is the flaw. Often times he is not home until 6:30 or later (most things are closed by then). Also, I will not be a prisoner in my home. I hate being confined to these four walls and I do not believe that is what God has planned for my life.

I think we are adjusting well to being a family of four. I think our family is amazing and I would not trade it for one millisecond of my life. However, the one thing that I had never considered while planning to grow or family from three to four is the physical toll my body would take.

My body is tired, plain and simple!

Disclaimer: I had a conversation with my friend last night and we were talking about her future children...I told her that I think we are done because physically I don't think I can handle more. She told me that she completely understands how hard it is (she has 3 children, including 1 set of twins) and yet she is planning on more (possibly multiples again as she is doing fertility treatments again). So, before I get reprimanded, I will acknowledge that it is physically demanding on all parents, not just parents of handicapped children. This whole post is about me personally...not comparing my life to others, just recognizing MY limitations.