When I was a young teacher, I had a very strong willed, opinionated high school senior once tell me that anyone that believed in God and considered themselves Christians were weak souled individuals who didn't have a mind of their own. He knew that I was a Christian, so it was essentially a personal attack.
It really got me to thinking on a couple of different things. First, I didn't appreciate anyone, especially a student, making personal attacks against me. I had never experienced that before and so I to learn if and how I would deal with it. Second, it was my first realization that I wasn't in West Michigan (Bible belt of Michigan) any more.
You see, where I grew up, there was nearly a church on every corner and then a couple more in the middle of the blocks. There are literally churches everywhere you go. Sure, there are a number of different denominations, but basically all Christian. I grew up in a secluded, sheltered area. My parents never went to church, but the majority of people around me did and I did (with the neighbors) from when I was about the age of 5 on.
I love my God with a fierce love. My hearts desire to do His will and please Him. So, when someone is telling me to my face that I am weak and cannot think for myself because I love my God, I was hurt. It was then that I really understood that not everyone believes in my loving, compassionate God. I was saddened by this fact. Not because I felt I was right and they were wrong but becasue IF I was right, I would never see some of these people again after our lives on Earth are done.
Living in Denver really made me aware just how ungodly our nation is. In the area I lived (North Denver) it was about 97% unchurched. That is astounding to a little country girl who grew up in a town with a billion churches. It also made me aware that I cannot expect some people to be held to the same moral standards that I have held myself to. I means that when I disagree with someone on a spiritual issue, if they are not Christian I cannot just simply say, "because the Bible says so." That means nothing to someone who doesn't believe the Bible to begin with.
Coming from two different spiritual perspectives makes for an uneven playing field when in a discussion/arguement. You can't just rely on faith when making a point because the other person doesn't share the same faith. It's hard...it's very, very hard!
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Ironic, I suppose
Ok, so my last post was about drama and how I don't seek it, yet after my day today, one may challenge me on that thought. Believe me when I say that I was not seeking drama when I woke up this morning, but the drama sure did follow me regardless.
I am a member of a newer adoption board. It is a private board (just learned that recently). Generally, it is a decent board, and the women are all friendly. Being that it is an adoption board, I have been thinking a lot lately that the board doesn't really address some of the main topics/issues that surround adoption. Only a couple of members are not aparents or waiting aparents, which obviously gives a different tone to the board to begin with. However, I still think that we can and should discuss trends, ethics, questions, concerns, etc. even if there are few first moms and adoptees to chime in.
I posted what I believe to have been a nonthreatening post. A post that documented my thoughts and concerns. The whole purpose of my post was to suggest that we talk about the deeper issues relating to adoption, but in a loving, respectful way. I honestly felt as though everyone else was able to state their thoughts/opinions (most of which were questioning my motives, etc.), but I was not allowed to have my thoughts without being judged by others.
I spent the majority of the day feeling like I had to defend my thoughts and reiterate that I was not attacking anyone personally. I really, truly did not have any one person in mind when I posted, but apparently something had happened not long ago involving one member in particular and so my post really struck a cord with her. Although I am sorry she was feeling bad, I do not feel that I owe an apology to someone who perceived an attack that was not real. I do believe she should apologize to me for her hurtful attacks, but I am not sure that will happen. I am not sure she believes me that I was not attacking her.
As this person responded and attacked me, I was offended and hurt. I doubt many people will understand why I was hurt, and that is ok, I suppose...it is my pain, my feelings. It is just so frustrating that it is ok for someone to blantantly attack me and I am judged by so many for some perceived attack that didn't even exist.
*sigh*
Now, 74 comments later, I am tired! Emotionally drained. Exhausted. All I wanted to do today was have a conversation about adoption with women who are involved in adoption. A conversation with women who I know are educated, smart, caring women. I do believe having some of these deep conversations with them will help me grow, help them grow and generally speaking, help the board move in a direction that is beneficial to all.
All I really have left to say now is that I really hope that tomorrow goes better than today.
Good night, friends.
I am a member of a newer adoption board. It is a private board (just learned that recently). Generally, it is a decent board, and the women are all friendly. Being that it is an adoption board, I have been thinking a lot lately that the board doesn't really address some of the main topics/issues that surround adoption. Only a couple of members are not aparents or waiting aparents, which obviously gives a different tone to the board to begin with. However, I still think that we can and should discuss trends, ethics, questions, concerns, etc. even if there are few first moms and adoptees to chime in.
I posted what I believe to have been a nonthreatening post. A post that documented my thoughts and concerns. The whole purpose of my post was to suggest that we talk about the deeper issues relating to adoption, but in a loving, respectful way. I honestly felt as though everyone else was able to state their thoughts/opinions (most of which were questioning my motives, etc.), but I was not allowed to have my thoughts without being judged by others.
I spent the majority of the day feeling like I had to defend my thoughts and reiterate that I was not attacking anyone personally. I really, truly did not have any one person in mind when I posted, but apparently something had happened not long ago involving one member in particular and so my post really struck a cord with her. Although I am sorry she was feeling bad, I do not feel that I owe an apology to someone who perceived an attack that was not real. I do believe she should apologize to me for her hurtful attacks, but I am not sure that will happen. I am not sure she believes me that I was not attacking her.
As this person responded and attacked me, I was offended and hurt. I doubt many people will understand why I was hurt, and that is ok, I suppose...it is my pain, my feelings. It is just so frustrating that it is ok for someone to blantantly attack me and I am judged by so many for some perceived attack that didn't even exist.
*sigh*
Now, 74 comments later, I am tired! Emotionally drained. Exhausted. All I wanted to do today was have a conversation about adoption with women who are involved in adoption. A conversation with women who I know are educated, smart, caring women. I do believe having some of these deep conversations with them will help me grow, help them grow and generally speaking, help the board move in a direction that is beneficial to all.
All I really have left to say now is that I really hope that tomorrow goes better than today.
Good night, friends.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
It never gets easier
Lil Bug has many medical consequences to having Spina Bifida. A few I have mentioned in previous posts, and many I have not even touched here yet.
Most of the time I am ok. I am happy. I am grateful. I realize things can always be worse. But once in a while I am not ok. I am sad. I am emotionally drained. I am frustrated. And, I feel like the weight of the world (or at least my daughter) is on my shoulders.
I am best described for the last half of the previous paragraph right now.
Lil Bug has been plagued with UTI's since her birth. The first 3 or 4 infections she was hospitalized for because she had a bug so bad that only IV antibiotics could eliminate it. As she has aged, the infections that she gets have been more common and oral antibiotics are successful. When I say plagued, I mean PLAGUED. She gets them just about every other month and sometimes even sooner. It isn't because she isn't clean. I do a great job keeping her clean and if I thought changing her diaper every 30 minutes would fix the problem, you can bet that I would do it. But, that is not the problem. The problem is her bladder and bowel control issues. Actually, I should say lack of control issues.
Her spine opening was in the L5-S2 range. That is low on the back. As a result she has no feeling in her feet and less sensation in parts of her legs. Most children (adults) with Spina Bifida have bladder/bowel issues because the nerves at the lowest part of the spine are the ones that actually control those functions. Even if you had an opening at the very stem of your spinal cord, there is a good chance you would have some amount of bladder/bowel issues. It sucks!
The problem with her bladder is that the sphincter at the bottom/end is generally "stuck" in the closed position, so she doesn't urinate on her own. Sometimes she leaks, but she doesn't go pee like you and I. As a result, the urine sits in her bladder and bacteria grows and she gets a UTI. Even if she could voluntarily open the sphincter, she may still get UTI's because she doesn't have the muscle control to be able to squeeze the pee out and so some amount of urine is always in her bladder because she can't empty it on her own. Urine is DIRTY. It should not stay in the bladder. So, our solution? We have to catheterize her 4x a day and limit her liquid intake.
Think about that! Can you imagine being catheterized even once, let alone daily and 4 times daily at that! It is a sad truth for Lil Bugs life. She doesn't complain about it usually. Since her sensation is lowered in that area, it doesn't hurt her. Her biggest complaint is that it takes time to do it and she has to stop playing to have it done.
Even though we do this process daily, she still gets UTI's and it is so frustrating. For one, it is a huge reminder (however small) that Lil Bug isn't the typical 3 year old...she has other issues that need to be addressed. For another, she is in pain. She complains that her belly and "bottom" hurt. She doesn't understand why she has to suffer. She doesn't like the medicine that she must take to make her healthy again. It is frustrating to know that these UTI's could turn into kidney infections and that would open up a whole new battle that fortunately we haven't had to deal with.
This past Friday she started complaining that her "bottom" hurt. I also noticed that her urine was smelling strong. As I catheterized her, I noticed sediment in her urine. I have the necessities to flush her bladder out, which I do when I think a UTI might be coming on. I flushed her Friday, Saturday and Sunday. If flushing is going to work, it usually works within the first day or two. By Sunday night she was in so much pain and complaining that I took her to the Urgent Care Center at about 7:30. We returned home around 10:30pm after picking up her new prescription. She took it, went to bed and slept well. Yesterday she woke up and we got her all ready for school. We were literally walking out the door to go to school and she started complaining it hurt. I decided she wouldn't go to school and she was devastated. This is the first UTI that she has complained about hurting. She is always whiny. She is always clingy. She is always tired. But, she never tells us it hurts. This time she did.
I don't want Spina Bifida (and its side effects) to control Lil Bugs life. I don't want her normal day-to-day activity to take a backseat to this craziness. I am slowly learning that no matter how "normal" she appears, she isn't. That is a hard fact for a mom to swallow. Yes, she will still have a great life. Yes, she will be able to do most things just as anyone else her age can do. Yes, that is true, but she will not have the "normal" life. Normal doesn't consist of chronic UTI's. Normal doesn't consist of walking with crutches. Normal doesn't consist of frequent brain scans. Normal isn't the first word I would use to describe Lil Bug. I know that many families face many difficult things in life, and I am not saying ours "things" are easier or harder than theirs. I am just saying that right now, this is hard for me.
Sorry for the downer post. I am just feeling down right now. I think I will be writing more posts surround some of this again soon. There is so much on my mind right now and this is the safest place to let it out.
Most of the time I am ok. I am happy. I am grateful. I realize things can always be worse. But once in a while I am not ok. I am sad. I am emotionally drained. I am frustrated. And, I feel like the weight of the world (or at least my daughter) is on my shoulders.
I am best described for the last half of the previous paragraph right now.
Lil Bug has been plagued with UTI's since her birth. The first 3 or 4 infections she was hospitalized for because she had a bug so bad that only IV antibiotics could eliminate it. As she has aged, the infections that she gets have been more common and oral antibiotics are successful. When I say plagued, I mean PLAGUED. She gets them just about every other month and sometimes even sooner. It isn't because she isn't clean. I do a great job keeping her clean and if I thought changing her diaper every 30 minutes would fix the problem, you can bet that I would do it. But, that is not the problem. The problem is her bladder and bowel control issues. Actually, I should say lack of control issues.
Her spine opening was in the L5-S2 range. That is low on the back. As a result she has no feeling in her feet and less sensation in parts of her legs. Most children (adults) with Spina Bifida have bladder/bowel issues because the nerves at the lowest part of the spine are the ones that actually control those functions. Even if you had an opening at the very stem of your spinal cord, there is a good chance you would have some amount of bladder/bowel issues. It sucks!
The problem with her bladder is that the sphincter at the bottom/end is generally "stuck" in the closed position, so she doesn't urinate on her own. Sometimes she leaks, but she doesn't go pee like you and I. As a result, the urine sits in her bladder and bacteria grows and she gets a UTI. Even if she could voluntarily open the sphincter, she may still get UTI's because she doesn't have the muscle control to be able to squeeze the pee out and so some amount of urine is always in her bladder because she can't empty it on her own. Urine is DIRTY. It should not stay in the bladder. So, our solution? We have to catheterize her 4x a day and limit her liquid intake.
Think about that! Can you imagine being catheterized even once, let alone daily and 4 times daily at that! It is a sad truth for Lil Bugs life. She doesn't complain about it usually. Since her sensation is lowered in that area, it doesn't hurt her. Her biggest complaint is that it takes time to do it and she has to stop playing to have it done.
Even though we do this process daily, she still gets UTI's and it is so frustrating. For one, it is a huge reminder (however small) that Lil Bug isn't the typical 3 year old...she has other issues that need to be addressed. For another, she is in pain. She complains that her belly and "bottom" hurt. She doesn't understand why she has to suffer. She doesn't like the medicine that she must take to make her healthy again. It is frustrating to know that these UTI's could turn into kidney infections and that would open up a whole new battle that fortunately we haven't had to deal with.
This past Friday she started complaining that her "bottom" hurt. I also noticed that her urine was smelling strong. As I catheterized her, I noticed sediment in her urine. I have the necessities to flush her bladder out, which I do when I think a UTI might be coming on. I flushed her Friday, Saturday and Sunday. If flushing is going to work, it usually works within the first day or two. By Sunday night she was in so much pain and complaining that I took her to the Urgent Care Center at about 7:30. We returned home around 10:30pm after picking up her new prescription. She took it, went to bed and slept well. Yesterday she woke up and we got her all ready for school. We were literally walking out the door to go to school and she started complaining it hurt. I decided she wouldn't go to school and she was devastated. This is the first UTI that she has complained about hurting. She is always whiny. She is always clingy. She is always tired. But, she never tells us it hurts. This time she did.
I don't want Spina Bifida (and its side effects) to control Lil Bugs life. I don't want her normal day-to-day activity to take a backseat to this craziness. I am slowly learning that no matter how "normal" she appears, she isn't. That is a hard fact for a mom to swallow. Yes, she will still have a great life. Yes, she will be able to do most things just as anyone else her age can do. Yes, that is true, but she will not have the "normal" life. Normal doesn't consist of chronic UTI's. Normal doesn't consist of walking with crutches. Normal doesn't consist of frequent brain scans. Normal isn't the first word I would use to describe Lil Bug. I know that many families face many difficult things in life, and I am not saying ours "things" are easier or harder than theirs. I am just saying that right now, this is hard for me.
Sorry for the downer post. I am just feeling down right now. I think I will be writing more posts surround some of this again soon. There is so much on my mind right now and this is the safest place to let it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
