I had never considered this before adopting

I thought alot about what it would be like to be a mother of two children before we even started the adoption process. Growing from a family of three to four seemed like a no-brainer, the natural thing to do.

I'm going to take you back a minute now, before I get to the point of this post.

Lil Bug was only 7 or 8 months old when we attended our very first adoption information meeting. When she was that age, she was very much like every other child that age. She could sit up by herself. She was cooing and making adorable baby noises. To look at her, she looked like every other baby. Unless I told someone, they never knew she had a significant birth defect.

At that time, I knew what having a baby was like and I was sure it would be easy enough to have two. I never really thought about the future much though. I mean, I dreamed of our future as a family together doing the big stuff, school, vacations, etc., but I never thought about the day-to-day activities that make up life.

It wasn't until Bug got to the walking age that it became visually apparent that she was different from other children her age. Different from what society expected a child of her age to be. As my friends kids all began to walk (there were several of us who had children around the same time) the realization fell on me that physically, she was going to be a little bit more work than my friends' children would be. While their toddlers were off toddling around, Grace had to be carried or placed in a stroller. I never wanted Lil Bug to miss out on any healthy, "normal" childhood activity, however, so if we were in a play setting where all the other children were toddling around, I would bend over, holding her tiny little hands and support her in exploring this vast world. I would spend hours a day bending over her, holding her hands and it was about then that I started having back problems. The pain was so bad at times that I even gave in and made an appointment with the dr. to figure out if there was relief. He was sad to inform me that this is a common complaint from parents of physically handicapped children and that it doesn't really get better as they get older...at least not for a LONG while.

As Lil Bug grew and began to use her walker, that helped me some. She was more independent, which meant a little less carrying her around. However, there was a learning curve and she is unable to use her walker outdoors during the snowy months. The icy sidewalks are her demise.

Now to the point of this post...I had never considered that physically my body might not be able to handle a second child very easily. I knew I could love a second child. I knew we could provide for a second child. I knew that I wanted a second child. I just didn't know that I might be brought to the brink of what my physical body could handle with a second child.

Lil Bug is about 33 pounds. That is not huge, but I'm not huge and I need to carry her often. You should see me when we go to MOPS, for example. I park in the handicap parking, but that is still a fairly lengthy distance from the building. I then load up my right arm with a diaper bag for each of the girls, my planner and my binder. I then carry Lil Bug in that same arm. I walk around to the other side of the car and pick up Lil Princess in her carseat carrier with my left arm. By now I am managing about 55-60 pounds of stuff (darn near 1/2 my weight!) and then, the topper...I have to bend down and pick up Lil Bugs walker, which I had strategically balanced against the tire of the first side of the car. I haul all of this about 60 feet, somehow manage to get the door open and once inside, nearing exhaustion, I try to drop all the things not likely to break (such as my children!) and regroup.

That scenario is not uncommon. It looks like that when we go to the bank, the grocery store (unless I can find a dry, nearby cart), the children's museum (which doesn't have handicap parking!), the zoo, and basically any errands we chose to tackle.

It has been suggested to me that I just do those activities and errands once The Designer gets home from work or on the weekends. Great plan, but here is the flaw. Often times he is not home until 6:30 or later (most things are closed by then). Also, I will not be a prisoner in my home. I hate being confined to these four walls and I do not believe that is what God has planned for my life.

I think we are adjusting well to being a family of four. I think our family is amazing and I would not trade it for one millisecond of my life. However, the one thing that I had never considered while planning to grow or family from three to four is the physical toll my body would take.

My body is tired, plain and simple!

Disclaimer: I had a conversation with my friend last night and we were talking about her future children...I told her that I think we are done because physically I don't think I can handle more. She told me that she completely understands how hard it is (she has 3 children, including 1 set of twins) and yet she is planning on more (possibly multiples again as she is doing fertility treatments again). So, before I get reprimanded, I will acknowledge that it is physically demanding on all parents, not just parents of handicapped children. This whole post is about me personally...not comparing my life to others, just recognizing MY limitations.

Missing the sunshine

I don't mind winter. Actually, let me try that again...I don't mind SNOW (kind of even like it), but I hate cold. Hate it!

One of the things we do to beat the seasonal blues is go to a hotel here in town to lay around the pool and swim a few times during the winter. We opted to spend our New Years Eve with the girls at the hotel this year. It was the first time Princess has been swimming in a pool. She loves her baths and splashes around, so I figured she would love the pool too. I wasn't disappointed. She loved it!

It's all a whirlwind right now

I don't know how this blog post will turn out, but things are spinning around my head and I feel the need to purge, so here goes...

I am more than thrilled about our pending adoption. I think about it many, many times a day. I dream about what Lil Princess will look like. In my head I predict the day she will be born and how big she will be. In many regards, it feels so much like when I was pregnant with Lil Bug...the excitement, the anticipation! There is just one small detail that is different...I'M NOT PREGNANT. It hurts! It really does.

I am not grieving IF, because if the truth be told, there is a chance that we would be able to conceive a child again with treatments. This was a decision made based on what we felt God directing us to do and our personal circumstances. I carry some amount of guilt with me over that, but I suppose that is another blog post for another day.

I know that many people believe that pregnant women considering adoption shouldn't see and/or select prospective adoptive parents until just before or maybe even after the baby is born. I'm not going to lie about this, it would have been a lot easier on us in the short run if we got a call saying, "your baby was born. Show up tomorrow to pick him/her up." For whatever reason that wasn't God's plan for us thus far. The very first match we had, the emom was 2 months out from her due date. She changed her mind before we met her. The second match we had, we had a 2.5 month wait until baby was born. Baby was 3 weeks old when mom decided to parent. This time we have a 4 month match. FOUR MONTHS!!! That is a long time!

My argument to those that believe pbmoms shouldn't choose so early is this...what if they do? Am I suppose to politely say "no thank you" because I don't want them to feel coerced based on a long match? Chances are, if they are not matched with us, they will select someone else and then would that family be as supportive of her as we have been? Believe me, from the selfish aspect, we talked about declining this match due to the amount of time we would be "wrapped" up in it. The Designer's gut reaction was "NO!" to it because he didn't want to invest that amount of time in one person, have our profile taken "off the market" and then have her change her mind. We prayed about it and he had a change of heart and here we are.

Another concern many have is the amount of contact between pbmoms and p-afamilies. I have such mixed emotions about this. One part of me agrees that there should be limited contact. I wouldn't want to inadvertently convince someone to give us their child because she knows us, knows Lil Bug, knows our family. I would be devastated to find that out. At the same time, if that is HER desire, and I have allowed her the opportunity to change her mind, who am I to refuse her of that? If I were to pretend to know what is better for her than she does, that could definitely harm our relationship now and down the road. I don't want that to happen either.

N has asked us to attend previous doctors appointments. She has asked us to be present at the birth of Lil Princess. Of course I am ecstatic! Seriously, through the roof! If Lil Princess is surely going to be my daughter, I want to be there when she takes her first breath. However, not at N's expense. If she were against it, not comfortable, etc. I would totally understand and respect that. No questions asked. I ask her occasionally if she wants to change her mind and she always says no. If I were to follow what some others believe, I would decline the opportunity to be there, but N said that she wants us there for Lil Princess...not for N, not for us, FOR. LIL. PRINCESS! She wants Princess to know that we were a team. We all welcomed her into the world. Am I wrong for allowing her that?

I talk to N daily using IM. I enjoy my conversations with her. The vast majority of our conversations have nothing to do with Lil Princess. However, once in a while she comes up. We have NEVER spoken on the phone. If I speak to anyone on the phone, it is her mom. That is rare, but it does happen on occasion. She prefers to talk via IM. I am good with that. She has commented recently that I won't have time to talk much with her after Princess is with us because I will be too busy. I told her that I would make time for her. She is my friend. She is not just the future birthmother of my future daughter, but she is truly my friend. I enjoy her company. We are a lot alike. We really get along well. I don't want to lose that after Princess is home with us. I tell her that, but I don't know if she believes me. It is true! If I only have 5 minutes, I will still make sure to jump on and say hi to her.

Here's the thing about talking after placement. She will be going back to school. She will be busy. She will have friends to hang out with. She will have homework to do. She will have classes to attend. So, will she have time for me? If not, I am okay with that. I will miss our daily conversations, but I want her to resume a "normal" life, whatever that looks like after placement. I hope she never stays away from me for MY sake. I respect it if she wants her space, but I hope she doesn't assume I want mine. I have many birthmom friends whom I have heard say things like, "I don't want to intrude on their family." I hope N doesn't feel that way, but it is likely that she will. That makes me sad.

One thing that I did beginning last Saturday is give up sweets and ice cream (yes, ice cream is a sweet, but so yummy it needed a category of its own!) The purpose? Well, it started out for one thing, but has morphed into something else. Ultimately, whenever I want to eat sweets or ice cream I refrain and instead I pray for N, L (her mom), Princess, The Designer, Lil Bug, Me, the labor and delivery and whatever is on my heart at the moment. It is remarkably easy to give up something to focus more on my relationship with God. I am glad I felt the need to do this. It has helped me to stop and pray even more often than I was before.

Anyway, those are a hodge-podge of random thoughts going through my head at the moment. It helps to get them out in writing! I will keep you updated as we approach Princess' due date, which, by the way, is only 27 days away. Oh, and at her dr. appt yesterday she was measuring at 39 weeks, but she is only 36 weeks pg...does that mean an early arrival or simply a large baby? Time will tell.