I had never considered this before adopting

I thought alot about what it would be like to be a mother of two children before we even started the adoption process. Growing from a family of three to four seemed like a no-brainer, the natural thing to do.

I'm going to take you back a minute now, before I get to the point of this post.

Lil Bug was only 7 or 8 months old when we attended our very first adoption information meeting. When she was that age, she was very much like every other child that age. She could sit up by herself. She was cooing and making adorable baby noises. To look at her, she looked like every other baby. Unless I told someone, they never knew she had a significant birth defect.

At that time, I knew what having a baby was like and I was sure it would be easy enough to have two. I never really thought about the future much though. I mean, I dreamed of our future as a family together doing the big stuff, school, vacations, etc., but I never thought about the day-to-day activities that make up life.

It wasn't until Bug got to the walking age that it became visually apparent that she was different from other children her age. Different from what society expected a child of her age to be. As my friends kids all began to walk (there were several of us who had children around the same time) the realization fell on me that physically, she was going to be a little bit more work than my friends' children would be. While their toddlers were off toddling around, Grace had to be carried or placed in a stroller. I never wanted Lil Bug to miss out on any healthy, "normal" childhood activity, however, so if we were in a play setting where all the other children were toddling around, I would bend over, holding her tiny little hands and support her in exploring this vast world. I would spend hours a day bending over her, holding her hands and it was about then that I started having back problems. The pain was so bad at times that I even gave in and made an appointment with the dr. to figure out if there was relief. He was sad to inform me that this is a common complaint from parents of physically handicapped children and that it doesn't really get better as they get older...at least not for a LONG while.

As Lil Bug grew and began to use her walker, that helped me some. She was more independent, which meant a little less carrying her around. However, there was a learning curve and she is unable to use her walker outdoors during the snowy months. The icy sidewalks are her demise.

Now to the point of this post...I had never considered that physically my body might not be able to handle a second child very easily. I knew I could love a second child. I knew we could provide for a second child. I knew that I wanted a second child. I just didn't know that I might be brought to the brink of what my physical body could handle with a second child.

Lil Bug is about 33 pounds. That is not huge, but I'm not huge and I need to carry her often. You should see me when we go to MOPS, for example. I park in the handicap parking, but that is still a fairly lengthy distance from the building. I then load up my right arm with a diaper bag for each of the girls, my planner and my binder. I then carry Lil Bug in that same arm. I walk around to the other side of the car and pick up Lil Princess in her carseat carrier with my left arm. By now I am managing about 55-60 pounds of stuff (darn near 1/2 my weight!) and then, the topper...I have to bend down and pick up Lil Bugs walker, which I had strategically balanced against the tire of the first side of the car. I haul all of this about 60 feet, somehow manage to get the door open and once inside, nearing exhaustion, I try to drop all the things not likely to break (such as my children!) and regroup.

That scenario is not uncommon. It looks like that when we go to the bank, the grocery store (unless I can find a dry, nearby cart), the children's museum (which doesn't have handicap parking!), the zoo, and basically any errands we chose to tackle.

It has been suggested to me that I just do those activities and errands once The Designer gets home from work or on the weekends. Great plan, but here is the flaw. Often times he is not home until 6:30 or later (most things are closed by then). Also, I will not be a prisoner in my home. I hate being confined to these four walls and I do not believe that is what God has planned for my life.

I think we are adjusting well to being a family of four. I think our family is amazing and I would not trade it for one millisecond of my life. However, the one thing that I had never considered while planning to grow or family from three to four is the physical toll my body would take.

My body is tired, plain and simple!

Disclaimer: I had a conversation with my friend last night and we were talking about her future children...I told her that I think we are done because physically I don't think I can handle more. She told me that she completely understands how hard it is (she has 3 children, including 1 set of twins) and yet she is planning on more (possibly multiples again as she is doing fertility treatments again). So, before I get reprimanded, I will acknowledge that it is physically demanding on all parents, not just parents of handicapped children. This whole post is about me personally...not comparing my life to others, just recognizing MY limitations.

Please pray for my friends

When Grace was about 7 months old, she started in a group physical therapy class. I made friends with the other moms in the group because, like me, they have a special needs child and before them, I didn't really know anyone else with a special child.

One of the moms I befriended was Julie. She is an amazing single mom to Olivia, a beautiful little girl. Some of the children in the group were born with physical or emotional conditions. Sadly a few of the children developed their disabilities because of another persons fault. Olivia's special needs are a byproduct of the latter.

While at a daycare she was violently shaken. She was only 5 months old. She is now 4 years old. The daycare provider was found guilty and is doing her time, but has developed lung cancer, which has since spread to her brain.

She has requested to be released from prison so she can die peacefully at home. Julie was forced to go back to court to address this dreadful day once again as she tries to move forward.

Here is an article from the front page of the GR Press yesterday. It has pics of Olivia and tells the details of the story. Please pray for Julie, Olivia, the daycare provider and her family as they await a decision about her possible release.

Shoes...not every girl's best friend

Most women love shoes. Until Lil Bug joined the family, I had no issues with shoes. Now, I despise shoes.

When Lil Bug was a baby I was able to put some "regular" shoes on her. She didn't get orthotics (braces) until she was about 9 months old. That is when it got crazy.

Until she was almost 2 years old, we could find now ordinary shoes to fit over her braces. The braces add so much bulk that her feet are just too thick for shoes. The hospital that she gets her braces from ordered her a pair of tennis shoes made especially for braces and she wore them for a while. They aren't ugly, but they certainly aren't cute. They were bulky.

One day, while my best friend was visiting, we went to the mall. I was determined to find some shoes that were cute to buy for Lil Bug. We looked in all of the shoe stores. By the end of our experience I was overwhelmed and frustrated. I couldn't find one pair that would work. My friend, in her innocence, simply said, "you'll find something eventually" (or something like that) and I lost it. I started getting teary eyed and my face got red. I just want my daughter to be normal like everyone elses kids...why should the everyday ordinary, like buying shoes, be so difficult for us? It wasn't fair! I felt like we could overcome so many of the big issues and then the small ones sort of just smacked me in the face. Kind of a cruel, "ha! she will always be a little different." It hurt. My friend felt bad for saying anything and I felt bad for my reaction.

Not long after that I decided to try again and found that at Stride Rite, the insides come out easily, so I was able to try them on at the store. After working diligently with the lady at the Stride Rite store, we were able to find ONE pair (that's right folks, we tried on over 10 pair) that Lil Bug's braces fit into. Here's the kicker...we bought them and then 2 weeks later she was fitted for new braces, so they didn't fit anymore! Fortunately she hadn't worn them outside, so we went back and exchanged and the new ones worked for her new braces. So, $50 later, we have a pair of shoes for Lil Bug.

So, you can see that shoe shopping is one of the last things I like to do with Lil Bug. I always imagined my little girl with all sorts of cute shoes for all sorts of cute outfits, but she is forced to wear pink/white tennis shoes with jeans, skirts, shorts, dresses and everything in between. They almost never match, but she has shoes!

At Christmas I just couldn't accept the idea of her wearing those little shoes with her beautiful Christmas dress, so I went to a specialty shoe store (Mieras') in town (just learned about them a week before) and found out that they will help to make shoes custom fit orthotics (braces). I found a cute little pair of patent leather Mary Janes and then they customized them to make the strap long enough to go over her braces. They were so cute. She wore them only with her Christmas dress and to one wedding this summer. I sure hope they fit over her newest pair of braces for this Christmas season.

A couple of days ago I received a notice in the mail saying that Mieras' was having a tent sale with up to 75% off their shoes. It began yesterday. I took Lil Bug last night, half hopeful that I would find something, anything that would fit over her braces (or close, so they could customize). I didn't want to get my hopes up. I have never been able to walk into a store and find anything easily. So, we walk into the tent and straight to the children's shoes and guess what?!?!?! We found not one, but two pairs of shoes for Lil Bug on our first go through. I was ecstatic! No customization even needed...NONE! And here is the kicker...they were on super sale, so each pair of shoes was only $9.90...for a grand total of about $20.00.

Thank you God, for making this my first shoe shopping experience with no tears shed.