A different perspective (long and personal)

I am sure most of you know that I was not raised my by biological father. In fact, when I was 2 or 3 years old, he signed off his rights to me. When I was 5 my dad adopted me and that is the only dad I ever knew growing up. In the back of my mind I remembered this guy named "J" but I never asked about him. I loved my daddy so much I never wanted to hurt his feelings by asking about J. I would get courageous once in a while and ask my mom, but it was always awkward. I felt like I was bringing up a terrible part of her life and so I generally just daydreamed about J, but never spoke of him.

When I was 16, my parents divorced. It was at that time that I felt a bit more comfortable talking about J to my mom. I knew it was hard for her, but I also had a number of questions. My only memories of me with J were negative. My mom confirmed my memories. Often times, when I would have visits with him he would have a different girl staying at his house each time. He would party (serious, hard-core, illegal stuff) while I was in his presence. The last time I saw him I clearly remember my mom coming to his house to pick me up. I don't know if he already signed away his rights or was planning to soon or whatever, but regardless, he knew he wasn't going to be seeing me anymore. I had packed up my few toys that were at his house to take to my moms house. My mom came to the door and they argued about something (probably me) and then he told me that I was not allowed to take my toys. He said those toys belonged to his daughter, which apparently wasn't me anymore, so he was keeping them. I was devastated!

I am a firm believer that a girl needs a daddy. Ok, I am sure some people won't agree with me, but I NEEDED my daddy. When my dad came into the picture I clung to him. I was longing for that father figure like crazy. Even though I had a very capable dad raising me (although he was by far NOT perfect), I was missing something. I felt so rejected and I couldn't figure out why J didn't love me enough to keep me in his life. I couldn't understand what I did so wrong that J was willing to walk away from me. It hurt. It still hurts. I am 31 and I can honestly say that I still have a lot of pain surrounding the whole issue.

When I was 18 I asked my mom to help me find him. She contacted him first and set it up. I was so relieved to meet him. I couldn't wait to see what he looked like. How he now acted. To learn about his new family. The first year or so was great. My dad, to this day, has no idea that I had contacted J. I still don't want to offend or hurt my dad. It is ridiculous, I know, but my excuse is that his health is very shaky at best and I don't want to upset him knowing that any day could be his last (or he may live another 5-10 years, who knows?).

When I met J, the first year was nice. He had 2 children with his wife (one of the girlfriends at the house when I was younger). They were cute and I enjoyed getting to know my brother and sister. They were very young. The boy was only 2 and the girl, only 4 when we met. They were so excited to meet me, their sister. I was happy to know that J had told them about me and they were excited to meet me.

A couple of years after we met, The Designer and I moved to Colorado and so we only saw them once a year, usually at Christmas time, when we came back to Michigan for vacation. The problem was that I never heard from J. I ALWAYS had to call him. I ALWAYS had to set things up. It was frustrating and I kind of felt rejected all over again.

When I learned I was pregnant with Lil Bug and learned about all of her medical needs, I reacted in a lot of different ways. One of the things I did was cut off my ties with J and his family. I told him that I didn't think I had the energy to maintain a relationship with him that he didn't seem to value or want anyway. I chickened out and did it through email. I didn't even tell him I was pregnant. I just ended it. I told them that we were planning to move back to Michigan in a few months and after we got there, I would let them know how the kids could contact me, if they wanted to. I never heard from them again.

After Lil Bug was born, I felt compelled to tell them about her and to alert them that when the children planned to have children, they should take extra precautions to prevent their children from having Spina Bifida as well. I received a short, rude email back and that was it.

Ok, so that is the background for what this post is really about...

Adopting Lil Princess has really gotten me thinking. The Designer and I feel very strongly about keeping Lil Princess in contact with her natural parents. I can understand a tiny bit some of what she might experience as an adoptee and I want to help her have access and answers when she is ready. As I was thinking about this, I realized that I am doing everything in my power to keep Lil Princess in contact with her family, but have not offered Lil Bug the same benefit. I cut off ties to her biological family without her permission. It was like a slap in the face...that is not right.

So, I feel like although I hurt and have a lot of unresolved issues with everything, I need to extend the same opportunity to Lil Bug by attempting to contact J and his family once again.

Last week I wrote this email to them:

Hi A, J, J & J-

I am sure I am the last person you expected to hear from, but I have a few things I wanted to share/ask.

First, I wanted to let you know that we have another daughter. Her name is Lil Princess and she was born on Aug. xx, 2007. She is beautiful and healthy. She came to our family through adoption.

Second, I wanted to see if J (sister) and/or J (brother) were interested in and/or ready to talk to me.

To make it very clear, I hold no ill will towards them. In fact, I hold no ill will towards any of you. Three years ago when I chose to cut ties with J (biofather), that stemmed from MANY things...some of them had to do with him directly and some did not. It was a VERY stressful time for me as I was pregnant with a child that I was told would be severally mentally retarded and physically disabled. You can imagine what that does to a person emotionally. I had no energy left to maintain a relationship that seemed like J (biofather) was not interested in having. I hope that you read this with my truest intent in mind. I am not trying to pick scabs or anything, just thought it was time to let you know that I am not angry.

I miss seeing J (sister) and J (brother). I am sure they are grown and beautiful. I hope they are doing well. I would love for them to meet their two incredibly beautiful nieces.

If you see fit, would you please share with them my desire to see them. I live in Grand Rapids now, so I am not far away and could meet them anywhere.

My phone number is 616-7xx-7xxx.

The Professor

P.S. I have included pics of the girls so you can see them. Lil Bug is getting big and is doing very well. Lil Princess is such a joy.

Just this morning (1.5 weeks later) I received this response:

Hi Professor,
It is really nice to hear from you!! Congratulations on the new baby!! Both of the girls are absolutely adorable. I did look at your family web site every month to see the pictures and hear about your lives.

J (sister) graduated from high school this past June and is away at College. She was recruited by Adrian College to play soccer for them. Adrian is located in the South East corner of Michigan and is a liberal arts college, she loves being there on her own and she likes the college. She is planning to get her PHD in phsycology. She graduated in the top ten of her class and earned a number of academic scholarships. I forwarded your e-mail to her. I can't tell you what her feelings are toward you these days because we haven't talked about it, she was really angry at you when you told us you didn't want to be apart of lives anymore, and when I asked her last week if she wanted to contact you she simply said "no".

J (brother) is in 10th grade this year, he will be 16 in March and is looking forward to getting his drivers license. He played his first year of football this year and although he ended up sitting on the sidelines a lot of the time he loved being a part of the team. He has a number of girls that call him all the time, he's turned into quite the little cutie :). He says he would like to get to know you, here is his cell phone number 231-5xx-9xxx and his e-mail address xxxxx@aol.com.

I need to leave for work now.
A (biofather's wife)

So, that is where I am at right now. It does bother me a bit that A wrote the email rather than J, but it is a start, I suppose. I'm sad that J (sister) was hurt by what I did. I know she has no idea what my childhood was like, nor do I feel that she needs to know. I don't want her to think badly of her father, so I will just let her think bad of me instead. However, if she ever asks specifically, I may tell her...not sure right now.

I am glad I followed through with the email. I hope that things will smooth out and that Lil Bug and Lil Princess will get to know their aunt & uncle and maybe even some day another set of grandparents. Who knows?!?!

I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that although my feelings are very real and were hurt, it really isn't about me anymore, but about my children. I think I am close to being able to put the past aside for their sakes.