Wednesday, July 25, 2007

It's all a whirlwind right now

I don't know how this blog post will turn out, but things are spinning around my head and I feel the need to purge, so here goes...

I am more than thrilled about our pending adoption. I think about it many, many times a day. I dream about what Lil Princess will look like. In my head I predict the day she will be born and how big she will be. In many regards, it feels so much like when I was pregnant with Lil Bug...the excitement, the anticipation! There is just one small detail that is different...I'M NOT PREGNANT. It hurts! It really does.

I am not grieving IF, because if the truth be told, there is a chance that we would be able to conceive a child again with treatments. This was a decision made based on what we felt God directing us to do and our personal circumstances. I carry some amount of guilt with me over that, but I suppose that is another blog post for another day.

I know that many people believe that pregnant women considering adoption shouldn't see and/or select prospective adoptive parents until just before or maybe even after the baby is born. I'm not going to lie about this, it would have been a lot easier on us in the short run if we got a call saying, "your baby was born. Show up tomorrow to pick him/her up." For whatever reason that wasn't God's plan for us thus far. The very first match we had, the emom was 2 months out from her due date. She changed her mind before we met her. The second match we had, we had a 2.5 month wait until baby was born. Baby was 3 weeks old when mom decided to parent. This time we have a 4 month match. FOUR MONTHS!!! That is a long time!

My argument to those that believe pbmoms shouldn't choose so early is this...what if they do? Am I suppose to politely say "no thank you" because I don't want them to feel coerced based on a long match? Chances are, if they are not matched with us, they will select someone else and then would that family be as supportive of her as we have been? Believe me, from the selfish aspect, we talked about declining this match due to the amount of time we would be "wrapped" up in it. The Designer's gut reaction was "NO!" to it because he didn't want to invest that amount of time in one person, have our profile taken "off the market" and then have her change her mind. We prayed about it and he had a change of heart and here we are.

Another concern many have is the amount of contact between pbmoms and p-afamilies. I have such mixed emotions about this. One part of me agrees that there should be limited contact. I wouldn't want to inadvertently convince someone to give us their child because she knows us, knows Lil Bug, knows our family. I would be devastated to find that out. At the same time, if that is HER desire, and I have allowed her the opportunity to change her mind, who am I to refuse her of that? If I were to pretend to know what is better for her than she does, that could definitely harm our relationship now and down the road. I don't want that to happen either.

N has asked us to attend previous doctors appointments. She has asked us to be present at the birth of Lil Princess. Of course I am ecstatic! Seriously, through the roof! If Lil Princess is surely going to be my daughter, I want to be there when she takes her first breath. However, not at N's expense. If she were against it, not comfortable, etc. I would totally understand and respect that. No questions asked. I ask her occasionally if she wants to change her mind and she always says no. If I were to follow what some others believe, I would decline the opportunity to be there, but N said that she wants us there for Lil Princess...not for N, not for us, FOR. LIL. PRINCESS! She wants Princess to know that we were a team. We all welcomed her into the world. Am I wrong for allowing her that?

I talk to N daily using IM. I enjoy my conversations with her. The vast majority of our conversations have nothing to do with Lil Princess. However, once in a while she comes up. We have NEVER spoken on the phone. If I speak to anyone on the phone, it is her mom. That is rare, but it does happen on occasion. She prefers to talk via IM. I am good with that. She has commented recently that I won't have time to talk much with her after Princess is with us because I will be too busy. I told her that I would make time for her. She is my friend. She is not just the future birthmother of my future daughter, but she is truly my friend. I enjoy her company. We are a lot alike. We really get along well. I don't want to lose that after Princess is home with us. I tell her that, but I don't know if she believes me. It is true! If I only have 5 minutes, I will still make sure to jump on and say hi to her.

Here's the thing about talking after placement. She will be going back to school. She will be busy. She will have friends to hang out with. She will have homework to do. She will have classes to attend. So, will she have time for me? If not, I am okay with that. I will miss our daily conversations, but I want her to resume a "normal" life, whatever that looks like after placement. I hope she never stays away from me for MY sake. I respect it if she wants her space, but I hope she doesn't assume I want mine. I have many birthmom friends whom I have heard say things like, "I don't want to intrude on their family." I hope N doesn't feel that way, but it is likely that she will. That makes me sad.

One thing that I did beginning last Saturday is give up sweets and ice cream (yes, ice cream is a sweet, but so yummy it needed a category of its own!) The purpose? Well, it started out for one thing, but has morphed into something else. Ultimately, whenever I want to eat sweets or ice cream I refrain and instead I pray for N, L (her mom), Princess, The Designer, Lil Bug, Me, the labor and delivery and whatever is on my heart at the moment. It is remarkably easy to give up something to focus more on my relationship with God. I am glad I felt the need to do this. It has helped me to stop and pray even more often than I was before.

Anyway, those are a hodge-podge of random thoughts going through my head at the moment. It helps to get them out in writing! I will keep you updated as we approach Princess' due date, which, by the way, is only 27 days away. Oh, and at her dr. appt yesterday she was measuring at 39 weeks, but she is only 36 weeks pg...does that mean an early arrival or simply a large baby? Time will tell.


Anita said...

I'm sure these are just some of the jumbled thoughts all melding together inside of you. All of the excitement of wanting something soo much... Angie, all I can really say is that if I were ever in a similar situation as you are right now, I would pray that I would have the strength to handle it with as much grace as you have... I pray for you daily. LOVE

BlessedWithDaughters said...

I think this is expressed very well. Purging is good, isn't it?

Love and prayers,

Miya'sMomma said...

we are a team! and, btw, i dont want a "normal" life, so resuming one is not an option. extraordinary would be more like it, which is what i chose for Miya. So maybe now, i can start making my own life extraordinary.