My heart broke today

This morning I was reminded that I am the blessed parent of a special needs child. Nobody pointed at her. Nobody said anything harsh or rude. Nobody did anything at all. This is what happened...

We were on our way to church. Bug loves to "write" and draw so we always have a handy-dandy (aka a notebook) and some colored pencils so she can express herself. As soon as she was buckled into her carseat, she reached for her goodies and then promptly asked me to draw a picture of Grandma Shi. (a brief history...Grandma Shi is The Designers maternal step grandmother. She is in hospice care, dying from COPD and pneumonia.) I made a feeble attempt at drawing her and handed it back to Bug, asking if it looked like her. She laughed and said, "NOPE!"

I explained that although I tried to draw her good, drawing is not one of the things God made me really good at. I then went on to explain that daddy's good at drawing buildings and people. My gifts are teaching and relating to people. I asked her what she was good at.

That is the moment that my heart broke. I mean, literally time stopped, tears welled and it hit me once again...I'm parenting a beautiful creature that happens to have a physical impairment.

Bug has a great number of things that she is gifted in. It is easy to see that already. For one, she charms the socks of everyone she meets. She is very intelligent. She has a great love for reading and I think that ultimately that will be a gift of hers as well. She could have said her gifts were a number of things. But, Bug didn't hestitate at all, instead she said quietly mustered the courage to say, "I'm not good at walking. I try so hard and I just fall down. My legs don't work."

I froze. I needed to say something, but nothing was coming to me. I looked over at The Designer and he was welling with tears too. Praise God, because He quickly gave me the words to speak to my dear daughter. This is what God gave me to say to her, "Bug, you ARE good at walking. You just have to use tools to make you good at it. Daddy is GREAT at drawing, but he needs a pencil to do his job. The pencil is his tool. I am good at teaching, but I need textbooks to do my job. The books are my tools. You are a good walker, but you need a walker or crutches to walk. The walker and your crutches are your tools."

I looked back at my sweet, innocent little Bug in the backseat, hoping that she heard me, understood me. When I looked, she was all smiles. She said, "I AM a good walker, I just have to use my tools!"

I know this is not the end of these conversations. But, for today, I thank God for helping me have the words and strength to build my little girls self esteem.