All aboard the mommy guilt train

The train stopped and I got on today...*sigh*

Let me start off by saying that I am pretty good about keeping the mommy guilt in check. It creeps in once in a while, but generally I am aware of the triggers and don't fall into the mommy guilt trap often. Getting to this place wasn't easy, but typically I'm there...today, however, my mommy guilt is in overdrive!

At the end of last week Lil Bug and I discussed her interest in riding the school bus to school. Remember, she is 4 years old (barely) and attends preschool 5 mornings a week. She attended last year also and since the very first day of school I have driven her and picked her up every single day.

There are a number of reasons I have not put her on the bus. Most of them are decent reasons, but the truth of the matter is that I was not ready to send her on the bus. She was ready, but I wasn't. I was sheltering her from "the real world" and convincing her she needed me for as long as possible. I wasn't doing this intentionally, but in retrospect, that seems to be the case.

So, back to the present...she mentioned that all of her friends ride the bus and she wanted to know why she couldn't ride with them. I gave her some silly answer like, "you don't need to ride the bus because mommy is able to bring you and pick you up every day." She seemed content with that, but I began to really evaluate my reasons for not having her ride to this point.

So, after some consideration I mentioned it to her teacher and they got the ball rolling. I received a call earlier this week from the district transportation lady and we agreed that Lil Bug would start riding the bus next week on Monday. She said a bus driver would call me to discuss the time and location, etc. I was still waiting for a call.

This morning I did as we do every day...rushed around here like crazy ladies getting Lil Bug ready for school and Lil Princess ready to go outside in the cold. I took Princess out to the car and was returning to the house to grab Bug when suddenly a bus appeared at the end of our driveway. I asked him why he was here and indicated that he was supposed to call to discuss times and we were to start sending Bug on the bus on Monday. He said he was doing a "trial run" for timing purposes but since we were ready, he wanted to take Bug with him.

I ran in the house and announced, "Bug! The bus is here and you get to ride it to school." To which she responded, "REALLY?!?! Where is it? Oh, mommy, I get to ride the bus!" I grabbed her walker, her backpack and quickly whisked her out the door and to the street.

I climbed up on the bus and with the assistance of the driver, she snuggled into the seat. I helped buckle her in and all the while she had a grin plastered across her face. I stood there for a moment or two discussing details with the driver when suddenly Lil Bug burst into hysteria. She was sobbing so hard she couldn't even talk. The driver said, "this is normal for some kids the first couple of times...just go, she will be fine." I took a quick glance over and my beautiful first born child and saw fear and confusion in her eyes. I jumped off the bus and away they went.

It all happened so fast that I didn't even get pics of her on the bus for the first time. (I will take some the next time she is on the bus and pretend it was the first time!!!)

I came into the house (at some point I had brought Lil Princess back into the house) and there sat Princess crying and saying, "cee-cee." At that moment I lost it. I had just sent my scared, tiny, trusting 4-year-old on a bus with a stranger with minimal discussion and absolutely no warning.

I cried. Princess cried. And, as I learned when I called the school and talked to her teacher, Bug was crying too. In fact, Bug was crying so hard that they had to take her out of the classroom. Fortunately her physical therapist (Stephanie) was in the building working with another student. Bug has a great relationship with Stephanie and was more than happy to spend some time away from the class with her today. Stephanie talked her through her fear and promised that she would personally put Bug on the bus to return back home to mommy. Bug was thrilled with that idea.

Noon rolled around and her bus rolled up in front of the house. I nearly ran down the door trying to get out to her. I half expected to see her sobbing again and half expected to see her laughing and having a great time on the bus. Fortunately for both of us the latter was accurate. She was smiling and laughing and having a great time. The bus driver said she was delightful and even asked him to sing a song with her on the way home but he replied, "Mr. Ken doesn't do that kind of thing." LOL

While I was waiting for her I realized that the biggest problem of the whole morning wasn't that she was riding the bus for the first time but that I hadn't done my job properly to prepare her for it. I didn't set the right expectations. She trusts me for that and I failed.

When she came in the house I sat her down and explained that the bus surprised me by coming today. I apologized to her for not giving her ample time to process and prepare for it. She said, "I forgive you, mommy" and ripped off her jacket, walked to her room and she had Princess played in there for nearly an hour...they were happy to be reunited!

So, I know that she is not totally scarred for life for what happened this morning and the truth is she is already over it. I am not over it yet, however. I am good at forgiving myself when I make mistakes but at the moment I am not ready to do that. I regret that I didn't just tell the driver that he could keep on going without her today and we would be ready on Monday but I didn't do that...that is my ultimate regret. So, for the rest of the day I will work on coming to grips with the fact that I let her down today and acknowledging that it probably won't be the last time in her life that it will happen. :(